Start Swimming: Existance
by Twilight Archangel
Summary: All I seem to hear is "Stop". I can't see a soul out here, it's Dark. All I wonder is Why? Why do I try to keep running? Why? I'm sinking in the Ocean of my Tears. I would die to get away but I fear to even more. I'm waiting for myself. --Alcentric.


**Read first:**

**This is a oneshot inspired by many things: First, Delain´s (a band founded by an ex-Within Temptation (best Dutch band in the world, hope you know them)) new song called _"Start Swimming"_. The song itself isn't that sad, but the lyrics are what inspired me the most. It is good to listen to the song while reading this, I'm sure you'll like the song, it's awesome. Second, this oneshot is _me _mixing my own feelings with Al's. I'm not in a good emotional moment right now, so I could empathize with Al. So, yeah, this oneshot is special to me because it was written with all my heart in it. **

**It is also inspired in a way by Griselda Banks and her stories: "SOS" and "One Of Those Nights". **

**I also wrote a oneshot named "On The Other Side", also inspired by one of Delain's new songs, of you like, you can check it out.**

**I hope to write some oneshots inspired by WT songs, "Frozen", "Towards The End", "Bittersweet" and "The Cross" seem appealing to me**

**Even if it is not that long, enjoy one of the oneshots I'm most proud of.**

**_Dedicated to:_**

**_ Griselda Banks _**

_(for being a great FMA writer that inspired me) _

**_NewMoonFlicker _**

_(just because her work "Breathe With Me is Amazing" and she seems a kind person)_

**_And to Me!_  
**

* * *

_**Start Swimming**_

**By Delain**

_I'm waiting for another day  
I'm waiting for the clock to reach the six and twelve  
I'm waiting for a holiday  
I'm waiting for myself_

_  
I'm waiting for another day  
I'm waiting for the clock to reach the six and twelve  
I'm waiting for a holiday  
I'm waiting for myself_

_And all I seem to hear is; Stop, Stop  
I'm catching up on you  
Don't leave me behind  
I can't see a soul out here  
It's Dark, Dark  
I'm catching upon you_

_And all I wonder is; Why?  
Why do __I try to keep running?  
What am I running for?_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running at all?  
If I dared I'd choose to swim  
But it's safer on the shore  
_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running a__t all?  
I would die to get away  
But I fear to even more_

_I'm waiting for another day  
The last one was so desperately disappointing  
I can't seem to focus on what I've done  
Or where I've been  
I can't see  
Nobody here_

_And all I seem to hear is; Stop, Stop  
I'm catching up on you  
Don't leave me behind  
I can't see a soul out here  
It's Dark, Dark  
I'm catching upon you_

_And all I wonder is; Why?  
Why do I try to keep running?  
What am I running for?_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running at all?  
If I dared I'd choose to swim  
But it's safer on the shore  
_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running a__t all?  
I would die to get away  
But I fear to even more_

_I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
Then close my eyes_

_I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
Then close my eyes and start swimming_

_Close my eyes and start swimming  
Close my eyes and start swimming_

* * *

**_Start Swimming: Exitance_**

I'm scared.

I'm drowning.

And I am not dying.

I can't see anything, just Darkness.

I'm drowning.

And I am not dying.

My hollow body is sinking and sinking, deep under the sea of evil water. A sea made out of all the tears I can't shed. And I wonder why am I here? And I wonder why I am not dead? This darkness, I can't see anything, I'm scared, I'm afraid. I want to cry.

But I can't cry, for I have no eyes.

If I cry, this ocean will grow.

This ocean of tears, I don't know of who they belong to. Me? Am I drowning in the despair that I've been wanting to express for such a long time? It's possible, it's probable. It is the truth.

I'm drowning in myself.

All the hatred and rage I've hidden from everybody, all the Darkness in my heart is now consuming me, making me sink.

But why am I not dying?

Tears are wet, tears are water. My Blood Seal should have been wiped out, and I should have died the moment I fell in into this ocean of despair an utter darkness. But I think I know why I am not dying; I think I know why I haven't left the world of the living.

Because I'm not alive.

Because I don't exist.

Because I'm a fake.

Because I'm hollow.

My heart is aching, but do I have a heart? I want so desperately to cry, but the Ocean of Tears won't let me. This hollow armor won't let me; this fake soul won't let me. I'm drowning in tears, I'm drowning and sinking, and I can't **swim.**

I want a hug.

I want a kiss.

I want real love.

But there is no real love for me, only hollowness.

I'm trapped in this world of emptiness that clouds my soul.

What will happen when I reach the bottom of the Ocean? Will I stay there for the rest of time, for all eternity? Reflecting in the despair of loneliness until there is nothing else for me but to cry and cry and make hurricanes out of these evil waters?

I don't want to sink, I want to swim. I want to escape.

But I'm too heavy, the armor is too heavy. I can't even swim one inch above, I'm falling and falling. This burden is so hard to carry, almost impossible, I'm worn out. Ever since I was born like this, I've worn out.

I don't want to sink alone, I want to be saved.

These waters are dark, **Dark**.

I can't see a soul out there, out here; it's so dark.

And even if I try to swim, even if I try to save myself from drowning, all I can hear is "**Stop"**.

The Ocean mocks me and my hatred.

And all I seem to hear is "**Stop, Stop". **

I feel so bad, I don't want to live, and I don't want to live in the bottom of the Ocean forever.

I want to die.

But I don't want to be alone.

I've been looking for the Philosopher's Stone, but it's a goose chase, it's stupid, it's foolish, it's sad and it's impossible.

Finding it won't make any difference for me, the truth is, I've been long dead, long gone.

I wonder if I ever existed at all.

And still, why do I try to keep running?

Why am I running for?

Why?

All I wanted was to live, but it's impossible, I can't live.

I'm dead.

I still remember some times, when I was alive, when I was flesh, when I was real. Times when I was with a family that existed and loved me. When I existed, but that's gone. Back then all I wanted was to live, to joy.

Back then all I wanted was to live.

Now, all I want is to die.

Do I remember why do I started running?

I've forgotten.

Do I remember why was I running at all?

I've forgotten.

My heart, wherever it is, is crying but not shedding tears. My heart, if it ever exists, is in despair.

I want to swim but I can't.

_Brother…_

I'm shattered, I'm drowning, I'm crying, I'm suffering.

I'm fake.

It's **Dark.**

**Dark.**

I'm afraid of the dark.

I'm scared to live.

I'm scared to die.

I would die to get away from this, but I fear to even more. I'd dare to swim, to break free, but it's safer on the shore. But there is no shore for me. I've always been scared of the water, when I existed, I would go by the river when I was upset, but never dove in, just wet my knees.

I've always been afraid of swimming.

Now all I want to do is swim.

This Ocean is made out of my despair, why can't my Blood Seal wash off yet? Why do I have to stay here suffering? Am I going to stay forever here?

I don't want that!

I can feel that hole in my heart that made it difficult to laugh and joy. This Ocean is the hole, a hole that it's deeper and that is swallowing me. Swallowing me and won't let me out, just drag me in until there is nothing there for me.

Just the **Dark.**

All I want is my brother.

I don't remember him; did I had a brother at all?

Did I had a family at all?

I can't focus on anything, on what I've done or where am I. I just want to remember, I just want to have that comfort. I remember wanting to live and enjoy and laugh and see and taste and feel.

Even an animal, like a cat or dog can have that.

But not me.

I don't want to go deeper and deeper in here.

But if I try to swim, I'll just sink more in this Ocean of Tears and Darkness.

I have no lungs, I won't drown, but I'll be trapped on the Ocean forever if my Seal doesn't wash off.

I'm afraid.

All I want to do is cry real tears.

All I want to do is exist.

All I want to do is swim**.**

Brother, if I am real, if _you_ are real. Then don't leave me behind.

Save me and I'll catch up on you.

I'm waiting for myself.

All I want to do is cry real tears.

All I want to do is exist.

All I want to do is **swim.**

"It's alright, Alphonse."

* * *

Alphonse opened up his eyes, and his vision was blurry. He saw a faint light, and noticed it was the moon that shone through the windows, smiling at him with an inexistent mouth, as the stars as well gave him a comforting light after sinking in Darkness.

He felt warm.

He felt safe.

He felt alive.

And his eyes were wet.

And his heart found some relief, because he was seeing Light.

Alphonse lifted his eyes a little and saw the face of his brother, Edward, whispering comforting words at him with his eyes closed. The warmth he felt was the warmth of his brother who was holding him tight, cradling him, like if he was a baby.

"Ed…Edward?"

Edward opened his eye and gazed down at his little brother, holding him closer, with Alphonse's head against Edward's chest. The older boy seemed relieved to see those gray eyes of his little brother. "Hey…"

Alphonse looked shyly at his brother. "What happened?"

Edward caressed Alphonse's hair. "You were having a nightmare, I couldn't wake you up. So I though that maybe if I held you…you would feel my warmth and wake up. You were cold, and you were crying in your sleep."

"I was crying in my dream too.", said Alphonse as he closed his eyes and shed a few more tears. "I was sinking in an Ocean of my own Tears. I wanted to swim, but I was the suit of armor so I was too heavy. I kept on sinking, I was so alone, I was so desperate. I felt empty. I felt scared…I felt lost. I…I just wanted to swim. I just wanted to know I was real, that I existed. I just wanted…you…"

With that said, Alphonse began sobbing, crying and crying. Wetting Edward's pajamas and his own. Those were the tears he was unable to cry when he was a suit of armor. Those were the repressed tears he couldn't cry in those crucial moments when his soul begged for solace, but his artificial body wouldn't release.

And Edward just held him tight, letting his brother cry.

Letting his precious little brother let out the 'Dark' in his heart and those whispers of 'Stop'.

Edward kissed his little brother cheek and let his breathing match up with the one of Alphonse. "But you're not a suit of armor anymore, Al. You're a living, sensitive and breathing person. You can't sink. It is over Al, it is over. And I'm going to stay here the rest of my life, by your side."

Alphonse sniffed and looked up at the golden eyes of his older brother. "Yes, I would rather stay here the rest of my life…than…"

"Shhh.", cooed Edward as he lay Alphonse down in the bed, and placing himself by his little brother side. "I'm going to stay here all night long Al, just close your eyes and** start swimming.**"

_Close my eyes, and Start Swimming_

They fell asleep holding each other's hand.

_**

* * *

Start Swimming**_

**By Delain**

_I'm waiting for another day  
I'm waiting for the clock to reach the six and twelve  
I'm waiting for a holiday  
I'm waiting for myself_

_  
I'm waiting for another day  
I'm waiting for the clock to reach the six and twelve  
I'm waiting for a holiday  
I'm waiting for myself_

_And all I seem to hear is; Stop, Stop  
I'm catching up on you  
Don't leave me behind  
I can't see a soul out here  
It's Dark, Dark  
I'm catching upon you_

_And all I wonder is; Why?  
Why do I try to keep running__?  
What am I running for?_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running at all?  
If I dared I'd choose to swim  
But it's safer on the shore  
_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running a__t all?  
I would die to get away  
But I fear to even more_

_I'm waiting for another day  
The last one was so desperately disappointing  
I can't seem to focus on what I've done  
Or where I've been  
I can't see  
Nobody here_

_And all I seem to hear is; Stop, Stop  
I'm catching up on you  
Don't leave me behind  
I can't see a soul out here  
It's Dark, Dark  
I'm catching upon you_

_And all I wonder is; Why?  
Why do I try to keep running?  
What am I running for?_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running at all?  
If I dared I'd choose to swim  
But it's safer on the shore  
_

_Do you remember why we started running?  
Do you remember why we're running a__t all?  
I would die to get away  
But I fear to even more_

_I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
Then close my eyes_

_I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
I would rather stay here the rest of my life  
Then close my eyes and start swimming_

_Close my eyes and start swimming  
Close my eyes and start swimming_

* * *

**So, did you liked it? Worth any review? About the timeline, you can choose if it is either after "Conqueror of Shamballa"** **or at the end the Manga...assuming Al gets his body back. But we know he will!**

**Review please!  
**


End file.
